Threequels? More like Weakquels

First of all, I know that the title of this post sucks, but it has kind of an endearing suck to it—kind of like, "Ah, nice try Jed, but that sucks."

Oddly enough, this comment echoes my feelings for the onslaught of threequels that I've seen this year: Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates 3, and Ocean's 13. They weren't necessarily bad, but when compared to the first two in the series, they left a lot to be desired. In fact, I would submit that all of these summer blockbusters followed similar patterns of mediocrity. Instead of concentrating on character development, they just increased the number of characters. Instead of weaving together an interesting storyline, they overcomplicated the story or at worst just rehashed the same story from the first two installments. Instead of surprising the audience with a smattering of plot-forwarding special effects, they just overindulged their techno savvy inclinations with bloated and over-the-top computer graphics that put the mind into sensation overload—aside from Ocean's 13.

Disillusioned by these uneven productions, I recently saw Live Free or Die Hard. I had low expectations, but came away pleasantly surprised and would like to declare that it’s the perfect summer movie. It's loud, crazy, and has amazing special effects—just like the other aforementioned films—but the major difference is the utter enjoyment of witnessing the perfect infusion of character banter, thin, yet understandable plot, and absurd action sequences complemented by seamless CGI. In other words, it leaves the audience satisfied with a lack of suck.

But maybe you're in the mood for a more cerebral movie; I would suggest checking out 1408. It’s a psychological thriller adapted from a short story originally penned by Steven King. This film scared the beejeezus out of me, but it was smart and, to be honest, somewhat inspiring. It contains none of the slasher or more-gore-the-better type of tactics that have become the norm, but instead messes with your concept of what your own personal hell might look like—a truly bone-chilling venture.

So, now that we’ve reached the halfway point for summer movies, I can only hope the latter-half of the blockbuster schedule is better than the first-half offerings, (which shouldn’t be too difficult to achieve). I could be wrong though; I have pretty high expectations for Transformers, the Bourne Ultimatum, Harry Potter, and Ratatouille. In short, I hope these movies don’t fall into the ‘endearing suck’ category.

Real Men Wear 'Guyliner'

Are you a real man? Do you wear eyeliner? I hadn't noticed when it first came out, but one of the taglines for Pirates of the Caribbean has been "Real men wear eyeliner." The phrase is obviously trying to capitalize on the suddenly new and bizarre trend of male eyeliner, which Jack Sparrow dons in all of the Pirate flicks. Even Keith Richards, who plays Sparrow's father, went home with six extra little sticks of the dark paste because he liked it so much.

This fad isn't exclusive to the swashbuckling franchise, Tobey Maguire could be found wearing it in the latest installment of Spider-Man 3. Also, bands such as My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco, Green Day, 30 Second to Mars, Fall Out Boy, and The Killers all darken their eyes. This male eyeliner was recently dubbed guyliner to help add to its chic in the hopes of catering to a younger male, and assuredly more emo, demographic. Collen Mastony noted: "Not since Alice Cooper got creative with kohl and David Bowie had fun with eye shadow during the colorful days of glam rock, have so many rock stars and leading men become enamored with the wonders of the cosmetics aisle."

Is there even a market for this stuff? Actually, $4.8 million was spent on male grooming products in the U.S. last year, which is up 7 percent from the previous year and 42 percent since 2001. Still it's hard to imagine male cosmetics really taking hold in Middle America, but even the unanimously-voted manliest of men, Bruce Willis, has allegedly admitted to wearing a little makeup in his own movies. When his manliness was recently questioned by FoxNews, Bruce shot back, "Look, real men should be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their cosmetics!" In related news, 20^th Century Fox is now considering this supposedly oft-repeated quote by Willis as their tagline for the next Die Hard movie: Live Free or Dye It.

What did you think of Spidey 3?

Now that Spider-Man 3 has already broken some opening weekend records and made like a kajillion (1,000 bajillion) dollars, despite receiving mixed or average reviews, what did you guys think of it? First of all, I liked it. It was a perfect summer movie blockbuster. Yeah, the plot was a little thinner than usual, and it was suffering from what I like to call the “Batman & Robin” syndrome (i.e. way too many characters for adequate character development). With that being said, the special effects were amazing I also thought the acting was pretty good, especially Harry (James Franco). I do think I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t drunk my weight in soda. So, was it what you expected or was it a tangled web of disappointment (man, I’m so witty).

Some things to consider:

-Too many villains? Who would you get rid of?

-Bad Peter Parker’s emo hairdo

-Bad Peter Parker’s dance scene

-Amazing special effects?

-Venom/Sandman lame or cool

-Why did the black goo stick to Peter?

-Was the butler scene really necessary?

"Let's Go to the Movies"

Alright, I’ll admit it; I’m totally geeked out about this summer’s offering of movies. Between this Friday (Spider-Man 3) and Labor Day, Hollywood will try to squeeze out every penny from a more-than-willing public, by pandering to our childhood nostalgia, franchise addictiveness, and overwhelming desire to be the first to see heavy special effect-laden extravaganzas. These aren’t talking pictures meant for the stuffy academy award crowd—they’ll be no hint of Best Picture nominations here—these are movies meant to dazzle the eyes, release the brain into a fantasy haven, and fill the mouth with butter-soaked popcorn. (I imagine the Celestial Kingdom to be somewhat similar, just kidding; I know we’ll eat manna, not popcorn.) Anyway, it’s become pretty obvious that fanboys have taken over Hollywood, and it can’t be any more apparent then by looking at this summer’s slate of comic-book-inspired movies, sequels, and sci-fi adventures. Irregardless, I know that many of you are excited to start singing, “Let’s Go to the Movies” soon, but what are you the most excited about? What’s number one? I think I’m most excited to see Pirates of the Caribbean. So, I’ve compiled a list—in no particular order:

-Ocean’s 13

-Spider-Man 3

-Pirates of the Caribbean

-Bourne Ultimatum

-Transformers

-The Hobbit

-Harry Potter

-Shrek the Third

-Rescue Dawn? (Christian Bale rocks!)

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Slinging For

I've always been a fan of classic musicals like Fiddler on the Roof, Sound of Music, Les Miserables. I'm also a huge fan of superhero movies. It seems like currently movies are getting turned into broadways musicals such as Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Spamalot. If I were to make a musical today then I would take an extremely popular movie franchise, say Spider-man, have some of my favorite rock artists, like U2, come up with the music, and wham-o, an awesome popular culture phenomenon. It'd be a sure fire hit, right? "Remember, with great superpower, comes great melody."

Or maybe Snow Patrol....