Life In Government

Here is a bit of required reading for 1) anyone who ever thought that they wanted to work in government, 2) anyone who currently works in government but thinks maybe it's just their office that is bad, and 3) anyone else.

http://www.federalwasteland.blogspot.com/

PS - The fact that this blog is about the federal government in no way prohibits it from applying to state or local government as well.

Arrested Development Strikes Back!!

You might have heard, but I just need to say that the most brilliant TV series in the history of sitcoms might be turned into a major motion picture!! Talks have already begun:



Test your Arrested Development skills here. I got 9 out of 20, which isn’t bad since I haven’t seen an episode in awhile.

Government Holiday Movie Review

While government employee Jedboy was getting escorted through the hallowed grounds of NBC Burbank, non-governmental contracting employees such as me were hard at work building things for the government. Sometimes it's hard being a private businessman. I only get Christmas morning off, and I'm here plodding away at least until six o'clock most nights. On the other hand, the fistfuls of sweet, sweet American dollars rolling into my bank account (and swiftly back into the American economy via the McDonald's Drive Up Window) help to ease the pain ...

Also easing my pain is the Government Holiday!!! Although I don't necessarily get a day off, I still get a vacation. As I stated in my first Government Holiday Movie Review, when the government takes a day off, the lady of my house takes a day off. This was an especially well-timed Government Holiday.

As stated earilier, Government Holidays allow the scales of masculinty vs. femininity to be balanced in the ASmith household. With Valentine's Day having fallen a few days earlier, my household man power was in short supply, fizzling out like my sweet Pontiac as it nears it's last dying breath of gasoline vapors.

Flowers soiled my kitchen table. Flowers that I purchased. Dishes from a finely prepared meal littered my sink. A meal that I prepared. A romantic movie starring a woman that works as a magazine editor who falls hard for a guy had stunk up my DVD player. A movie that I rented.

In short, I had brought a pox of femininity into my home. I had cursed my home. The Government Holiday was my chance for absolution. With the lady of my house gone, and with her taking Man Cub with her, I was free to perform the necessary ceremonies to restore the balance of power.

To restore that power -- a meal, consisting mostly of meat, consumed directly from a sack, not shaving, lifting weights in my living room, and an awesome action film. On to this week's review.

Actual campaign pamphlet from Schwarzenegger's gubernatorial re-election campaign in 2006.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day. With the recent restoration of the Terminator franchise coming at the hands of the Fox show "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," I had a restored interest in the best action film of my youth. It's hard to capture just how awesome this movie was when it came out in 1991.

Special effects are a funny thing. Generally, I'd agree that any movie made today has better effects than earlier films. However, computer generated images (CGI) can only go so far. Recall that the earlier Star Wars movies actually had things built out of plastic, wood, and metal. The ships looked real because they were real. The second round of Star Wars films looked cool, but they were also filmed in front of a green screen. They weren't made in the real world, they were made in George Lucas' computer world on his ranch.

That being said, James Cameron absolutley nailed the special effects for Terminator 2. CGI was just rolling around at the time, and Cameron used that CGI only for the evil terminator played by that one guy who made some other films. The evil terminator character, when playing the role of a human, was played by a human character. When it was doing it's computerized morphing bit, it was created by a computer. Thus, on film, it looks like a human when it's supposed to and it looks like a robotic liquid metal goo when it's supposed to.

Actor Robert Patrick is not in fact a mimetic polyalloy mass of robotic goo. ASmith regrets the error of firing shots at Mr. Patrick on the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles.

In addition, I liked this movie because things blew up. Up until ten years ago, when you wanted something to blow up in a movie, you actually had to blow something up if you wanted it to look real. After a lenghty car chase through the canals of Los Angeles, the bad terminator wrecks a diesel truck. It blows up. And it was real. James Cameron actually set fire to a diesel cab and blew that thing up. And filmed it for posterity.

The film also had some good points. For example, although it's fun to blow things up, there are consequences. In addition, robots are capable of love on an one-to-one basis, but robots in general, and the artificial intelligence that drives them, are pure evil.

Then James Cameron had to go and make that Titanic movie. You tell me what's better -- that floating love story featuring super-duper awkward nudity (DiCaprio making coal-pencil sketches of Kate Winslet. What?) or the awesome powers of California's Governor blowing things up and saving our world from robotic future terrorists?

You know where I stand on the matter. T2 gets a 9.5 out of 10 on the man scale. Mitigating factors: Edward Furlong as the bratty teen John Connor. This guy is supposed to be the future leader of humanity. Um, no. He looks like kd lang. I'll stick with robots blowing things up, thank you.

Indie Rock Christmas Songs

Ok, so first of all, this isn't really an Indie Rock Christmas list--I just wanted to throw that in the title for some reason. What is this so-called Indie Rock anyway? The truth is that nobody knows. It's supposed to come from bands that are 'underground' and haven't yet signed a major label. Yet many bands continue to be labeled indie rock even after they sign to a major record label. Check out this definition on Urban Dictionary, it's kind of funny.


Anywho, I know it's a little early for Christmas music, but, hey, Christmas isn't just one day; it's like the entire month of December! Am I right? On that subject: I've always loved Christmas music, but let's get real; sometimes it gets a little old. So, for the last four or five years I've been compiling music from some of my favorite artists. This is a list of some of those precious holiday finds, but it also has some classics that I just think are cool. This is by no means an exhaustive list. In fact, if any of my faithful readers have some more suggestions please send them my way.


P.S. If you want to hear some of these songs, scroll down to the bottom of this page. A lot of these songs are also available on iTunes or wherever you legally download music. If you really want a copy of some of these songs, just let me know--I'd be happy to make you a CD. Remember: "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!"

The Beatles sing Christmas Time is Here Again

(It Must of been Ol) Santa Claus	Harry Connick, Jr.
12.23.95 2000 Miles	Jimmy Eat World Coldplay
A Great Big Sled	The Killers
All I Want for Christmas is You	Mariah Carey
Baby, It's Cold Outside	Gabe Dixon & Leigh Nash
Baby, It's Cold Outside	Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel
Believe	Josh Groban
Better Days (Acoustic Version)	Goo Goo Dolls
Bittersweet Eve	Belasana
Blue Christmas	Elvis Presley
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)	Death Cab For Cutie
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)	U2
Christmas Celebration	Weezer
Christmas For Cowboys	Jars Of Clay
Christmastime	The Smashing Pumpkins
Christmastime Is Here Again	The Beatles
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing	Sufjan Stevens
Do They Know It's Christmas	Pete Yorn
Do You Hear What I Hear?	Copeland
Donde Esta Santa Claus?	Guster
Donna & Blitzen	Badly Drawn Boy
Frosty The Snowman	Fiona Apple
Gabriel's Message	Sting
Go Tell It On The Mountain	Oh Susanna!
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen	Barenaked Ladies Feat. Sarah McLachlan
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen	Bare Naked Ladies
Green Christmas	Bare Naked Ladies
Grown-Up Christmas List	Michael Bublé
Happy Christmas (War Is Over)	John Lennon
Happy Christmas (War is Over)	The Polyphonic Spree
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas	Coldplay
Hey Parker, It's Christmas	Ryan Adams
Holly Jolly Christmas	The Format
Holy, Holy, Holy	Sufjan Stevens
I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day	Pedro The Lion
I'll Be Home For Christmas	Bing Crosby
It Came Upon A Midnight Clear	Sixpence None The Richer
Jingle Bells	Bing Crosby
Last Christmas	Jimmy Eat World
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!	Lena Horne
Little Saint Nick [Single Version]	The Beach Boys
Maybe This Christmas	Ron Sexsmith
Merry Christmas Everybody	Rooney
Merry Christmas, Baby	The Beach Boys
Nutcracker Suite	Brian Setzer
O Come O Come Emmanuel	Sufjan Stevens
O Holy Night	Avril Lavigne & Chantal Kreviazuk
O Holy Night	Il Divo
Please Come Home for Christmas	Jon Bon Jovi
River	Travis
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer	Jack Johnson
Rudy	The Be Good Tanyas
Santa Baby	Eartha Kitt
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town	Eddy Arnold
Santa's Beard	The Beach Boys
Sleigh Ride/Santa Claus Party	Ferrante & Teicher/Les Baxter/Teicher
Somewhere In My Memory (Voice)	John Williams
Song for a Winter's Night	Sarah McLachlan
Spotlight On Christmas	Rufus Wainwright
St. Patrick's Day	John Mayer
Sweet Secret Peace	Neil Finn
The Christmas Song	Dave Matthews Band
The Christmas Song	The Raveonettes
The Christmas Song	Weezer
The Holly & the Ivy	Mediaeval Baebes
The Only Gift That I Need	Dashboard Confessional
The Prayer	Josh Groban & Charlotte Church
The Winter Song	Eisley
Three Ships	Sting
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts	Nat King Cole
We Three Kings Of Orient Are	The Beach Boys
What A Year For A New Year	Dan Wilson
What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?	Harry Connick, Jr.
What Child Is This	Matt Wertz
When Christmas Comes to Town	Matthew Hall/Meagan Moore
When I Get Home for Christmas	Snow Patrol
Winter Wonderland	Jason Mraz
Wonderful Christmastime	Paul McCartney
Zat You Santa Claus	Louis Armstrong

In Praise of Leftovers

This week marks one of the greatest American holidays: Thanksgiving. It's great because it signifies thanks in a truly American way. We're thankful for everything because of all the awesome food we have and the awesome sport we have in football.

One of the best aspects of Thanksgiving is that our mega-glutton feast isn't limited to one day. No sir!!! Our traditional feast leads to days on end of overeating.

This year marks the first time ever that I will be working the day after Thanksgiving. While many Americans get up early to stand in shopping lines for hours on end, I get to wake up early to read Army architectural specifications for hours on end. With the leftover meats, I am planning on desiging and building the biggest, baddest turkey sandwich ever made.

Artist Rendering of Aaron's gigantic sandwich

I'm very fond of my leftovers -- food or otherwise. I was cruising Target last weekend with my wife and son (don' laugh, it's good times all around). Whilst strolling through the media section, my wife spotted a new Killers album called Sawdust. It's new in that it was recently released, but not so new. It's full of b-sides and previously unreleased tracks -- a "leftovers" album. While it's not quite my awesome turkey sandwich, it's still pretty good. If you like the Killers, you'll probably like this album. Half of it sounds like Hot Fuss, the other half sounds like Sam's Town.

Fat: Don't Call it a Comeback

I assume that besides the 18-year-old girls Jed still hits on, most the people reading this blog are probably done with their schoolin’, which means it’s time to get fat. Fat sitting at a desk all day, fat from having kids, fat from watching those around us have kids, and the list goes on.

But maybe it’s ok to put on a few pounds. The NY Times has a story about a federally funded study showing that if you got a few extra pounds you are actually expected to live longer – think of it as part of your year’s-supply of food program.

With it being ok to have a few extra pounds in the bank, maybe tight shirts and jeans will fade out and chubby Keira Knightley’s will fade in. Probably not. Either way, somebody needs to get Carson Daily a sandwich.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Apparently, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks have decided to fast-track ‘Angels and Demons,’ the prequel to ‘The Da Vinci Code,’ due to the looming writers’ strike. I’m excited for the second movie, because I thought that ‘A & D’ was a better book and more suited for a movie adaptation. Of course, I’m not excited to see Hanks’ faux mullet again.

Watch the mullet catch wind and carry Tom to safety!

I’ve recently discussed all the Oscar-potential movies that I wasn’t excited to see this year. It sounds as if I’m not the only one who’s decided that indie films are too depressing. Here’s an article explaining America’s lack of desire to see these dire movies, but rather more escapist fare. Dramas used to really be in vogue around this time of year, but it seems people are more interested in kiddie flicks and horror sequels.

‘Scrubs’ is coming back for its final season, but the creators of the show have decided to tone down the broad comedy a little, reminiscent of the first season. I’m excited about this since the first season is probably my favorite one. Also, look for a ‘Princess Bride’-themed episode this year. Inconceivable!

So, the Jazz are ranked seventh in this week’s ESPN power rankings. I only have one question: how did they move up one spot from last week if they haven’t even played a game yet?

I'm Just Saying...

Have you ever wondered what a Libertarian is? How about a communitarian (opposite of a Libertarian)? Apparently, Libertarianism is on the rise and if you want to begin to understand this cultural phenomenon you should read this article. Political pundits feel like Libertarians might become very influential in the future political landscape. In fact, you may already be one. Personally, I hate all these labels that we’ve given one another, but if you’re wondering where you stand politically take this small quiz. You might be surprised—then again maybe not.

So, I’m thinking about moving to Beantown right now? It seems like everyone’s finding their groove there: Red Sox in the World Series; the Pats looking like a team that could go undefeated; Boston College making a run at a national championship; the Celtics looking like a playoff contender for the first time in years, er, decades; and even the native Bostonian, Ben Affleck, seems to have mustered some long-dormant critical praise out of his latest directorial debut.

So, I haven’t been watching much TV lately, but I just wanted to recommend ABC’s ‘Pushing Daises.’ I haven’t even watched a full episode—just 10 min. actually—but I kind of took a liking to it. Bolstered with rave reviews, it’s kind of a quirky and witty dramedy that’s akin to a Coen brothers film (i.e., ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou,’ ‘Raising Arizona,’ and ‘The Hudsucker Proxy’). Here’s the link.

Thanks Hayley for supplying a link to the new Star Trek cast compared to their older counterparts. The similarities are uncanny. Check it out.

Finally, I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore is gay. Are you really surprised? It seems like most bespectacled British men who wrap themselves in glittery robes are.

To Boldly Go…

Casting for the new Star Trek movie seems to be rounding out as new reports are trickling in of the latest to join the pre-television series U.S.S. Enterprise. It appears that J.J. Abrams, the director, is taking the franchise into a bold new direction. Instead of using past Star Trek television stars, Abrams is casting young and relatively unknown actors to man the 60s sci-fi ship. While trying to appeal to a broader audience is the obvious reason that Abrams has broken from Star Trek tradition, some Trekkers are worried that he may fly the franchise off course, however, most have taken a ‘wait-and-see’ attitude.

A Mexican politician was stripped of his first-place title after it was uncovered that he took a shortcut. Officials opened an investigation after a race photographer noted that he finished the marathon wearing a jacket and long running tights; he also wasn’t sweating and he looked like he had just come from a fiesta. He shot back that he never intended to complete the race, but was simply crossing the finish line to get to all of his things. Since when do you cross a finish line pumping your arms in the air just to collect your belongings? Here’s the video. Compare his triumphant finish to that of his running counterparts who are on the verge of death.

So, what did you guys think of ‘The Office’ last night. I was reading some blogs on-line and some people were complaining that the hour-long episodes are just too much. Even my brother said that it seemed like they were just trying to fill space in some areas. I’m not sure how I feel. I think that I laughed quite a bit: Meredith’s hip cast, Andy’s song to Angela, Michael and Dwight making fun of Ryan. But, I would agree that the whole kidnapping incident seemed a little too ‘out there.’ Kind of like when Michael drove his car into the river on the last episode. I don’t know. What do you guys and gals think?

One last thing: I couldn’t watch ‘The Office’ on DVR because it wasn’t working for some reason, so I sat and watched all the commercials for fear that I might miss even one second. There’s all these lame Jerry Seinfeld promos for his new movie on. Uh, L.A.M.E. I didn’t think they were very funny at all, and it caused me not to want to watch his new movie.

And now, for your weekly entertainment...

The Office has kind of hit it big recently with Emmy noms and wins, making it onto the cover of Entertainment Weekly, and a slew of the series’ actors taking movie roles. But are you worried that this kind of perfect sitcom can’t last for much longer? Ken Levine offers a cautionary letter to ‘The Office’ actors, writers, et al. All I can say is ‘amen.’

Since the LotR franchise has made like a gajillion dollars and won a cache of Oscars, it seems like making a couple of prequels would be the closest a potential movie could get to a ‘sure thing’ in the film industry. However, the director, Peter Jackson, has been embroiled in a legal battle with New Line (the movie studio that bankrolled the films) over mishandled revenues. New reports have indicated that some sort of détente has taken place between the director and the studio that fast-tracked him to ‘it’ director status. Peter Jackson directing a new Hobbit movie would be awesome, well, it would be ‘precious.’ (Sorry.) Better than these other directors anyway.

So, how ‘bout a ‘Goonies’ sequel? Seems like Corey Feldman is on a role of late, with this and a ‘Lost Boys’ sequel in the works, he can finally leave Corey Haim behind. Watch him break it to his other half that he won’t be in ‘Lost Boys 2.’ Don’t get too sentimental, most of the stuff they do on ‘The Two Coreys’ is scripted.

Have you seen the new Old Navy sweater commercial? I worked at Bold Gravy (heh, heh) for like two years and most of the music that was played continuously over the PA system was so horribly awful that I would get headaches from having to listen to it on a loop all day. But I really like the song from the commercial by a one, Ingrid Michaelson. Take a listen. Also read what she has to say about selling out to GAP, Inc.

One last thing. So, Lindsay Lohan wants to move to Utah, eh? Great, Utah is turning into the backwater for the decrepit, the D-listed, and now the dysfunctional actors. (Yes, that’s alliteration.)

From Russia with Loathing?

It’s been reported on Andre Kirilenko’s Russian blog that he wants out of Utah. I’ll admit that I’d love to get rid of him. I think he’s an amazing player, but that ultimately he just doesn’t fit into Sloan’s system. He can’t be a go-to guy cuz he’s not that reliable on offense, plus he’d be better in a high-octane offense that relies heavily on fast breaks and running situations (i.e. Suns and Warriors). He plays extremely well on defense when he’s looking to help, but in one-on-one situations he seems to get burned quite a lot. It’s extremely unfortunate to have to let someone of his talent and caliber go, but if he’s not happy here and willing to submit to Sloan’s system, then we should probably just trade him. Of course with his recent wining and the fact that he wants to be traded probably means teams won’t put up very much for him, which might mean we can’t really trade for anyone that would make an immediate impact. гречиха

Fashion Corner

I was thinking of how I could become cool recently when I read that Ray- Ban sunglasses are now in style again. Since most of you are obsessed with looking attractive I wanted to share this information. I’d like to think that JedBoy not only keeps you up-to-date on all the cool movies, books, and TV shows, but on all the fashion trends as well. (Duane, I’m talking to you.) But you don’t have to take my word for it, check out this video.

Betting the Farm

Harrison Ford and Sylvester Stallone have a lot in common, both being aged action stars who had trouble playing anything but themselves (advantage Stallone). However, there is a big difference between Stallone’s gamble with “Rocky Balboa” and Ford’s “'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”

While “Rocky V” was horrible, the “Jones” trilogy remains in pristine condition. Stallone’s move to redeem himself and the vehicle that made him had very little to lose. Ford’s shot at redemption endangers some of our best memories of him.

I am not saying Ford’s new movie can’t work (though it’s in trouble already with that name), but I am saying he’s got a lot to lose.

The Long & Winding 'Road'

I’ve been meaning to write something down for the last several months about a book I read for a very prestigious book club (i.e. Wendi and me). The reasoning behind this has to do with the fact that elements of the book got stuck in my head—kind of like when you get water in your ears after swimming. So I’m using my blog as an outlet to jolt my head back and forth in hopes that some of the elements leak from my head and onto the page, thereby escaping my mind. I must foreworn you that by violently shaking my head in such a manner I fear that I’ve left a somewhat confusing splat of brain leakage in the form of text onto the page. You’ve all been warned.

Let me start off by saying that Cormac McCarthy is on a role of late. The Road that was recently published won him the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, but more importantly (from a financial perspective) McCarthy’s work was endorsed by Oprah herself. It’s a well known fact within the literary realm that getting on Oprah’s booklist, coupled with a TV interview, increases sales of an author’s book by one gajillion copies. (McCarthy is now looking for a small island to buy and retire on.) By the way, another one of his books has recently been turned into a movie, No Country for Old Men, directed by the Coen brothers. Back to the point: why all the fuss surrounding The Road? In a sentence, I would have to say that McCarthy was masterfully able to tap into two of humankind’s most basic motivations: fear and love. Fear permeates from every pore of this book by hijacking the commonly used sci-fi theme of human extinction, which would lead one to assume that it would be the major premise of the book. But I would argue that love is the principal subject matter here and what ultimately separates this sci-fi exercise from that of its counterparts—that is to say, the love found in trust. A trust that is formed and tested by a nameless father and his son, subtlety setting up a very nuanced coming-of-age story as well as an examination of our own morality.

Again, McCarthy succeeds so well in this effort because he takes this worn-out theme of the whole end-of-the-world mythos, but ingeniously stretches it to the outer reaches of human sensibility to a place where the rational behavior of man fades into animalism, thereby turning this tale into one of unfathomable terror. This is a place where time doesn’t even exist anymore because no one’s there to keep it on an almost alien-like planet; a place where survival instinct becomes a mixed blessing as the protagonist travelers slowly grow envious of those who have died and escaped the ethereal nightmare; a place where the characters stand as witnesses for all the prophets’ foretelling of an impending doom; and a place where humans are rounded up and treated as cattle, not because of social injustice, (a staple of sci-fi storytelling) but because some catastrophic conflict or event has left the world without the ability to produce and the only food left for humans is that of their own kind.

Thus, The Road then is a fascinating post-apocalyptic look at a dying world through the eyes of a father and son that shakes you to the very core while imbuing an aura of hellish fear. I felt like I had fallen into someone else’s poetic nightmare of a not-to-distant future that goaded me along with hypnotic ease—I couldn’t put it down. I found the mood extremely dire, the imagery desperate, and the story guiltily addicting (kind of like continuously scratching at an itch when you know you shouldn’t). But what left a lasting impression wasn’t the bleak outlook of a species on the verge of extinction; it was that slow, yet calculated dissection of a bond forged between the father and his only offspring.

The man and his son travel a barren waste-land strewn with rotting reminders of a time when the sun wasn’t blotted out by an omnipresent ash. In an effort to ignite some kind of feeble hope within him, the father continually reminds his son that they are “the good guys”. You see, good guys keep trying and they don’t give up. This hope is steeped in blind faith that humanity still exists somewhere and they’re carrying part of the fire of humanity with them in order to preserve it. Thus, they’re not just surviving for themselves, but they’re surviving for the sake of humankind. Furthermore, they also pride themselves in the fact that they’re moral creatures who haven’t devolved, like the band of marauders who hunt them, to a selfish, cannibalistic way of life.

Still these idealistic notions of survival for the sake of mankind will only take them so far. When sufficiently exhausted of carrying the last vestiges of the human species on their backs, they might choose to end their terrestrial perdition with their own hands. The father keeps a pistol with him that contains exactly two shots. The big question is whether or not he’ll be able to snuff out the life of the only one he has ever brought into the world when the time is necessary. McCarthy writes: “They were their world entire.” The very bond that stills his hand from taking the fatal shot is the same one that keeps them going and has made this requiem of a journey even possible. They have survived not only because of one another, but for one another; consequently developing a bond based upon a foundation of trust.

What’s interesting about trust is that it’s sometimes buoyed up with euphemisms or even white lies. To be completely direct and honest with our fellow human beings all the time is almost impossible, especially—ironically enough—with the people we care about the most. We daily see red flags go up of potential relationship-ending starter questions: What do you think of this, that, or the other? Immediately a response forms in our head of how we actually and truthfully feel, but sometimes these sentiments might offend, belittle, or hurt the questioner. Thus, we “soften the blow” and avoid these crucial questions with vague or indirect comments, thereby avoiding discomfort or even the end of a relationship. Why do we do that? Sure, sometimes we avoid conversations that might lead to further argument, but a lot times we fill that we need to protect others from a painful truth, and most people aren’t sadists. Hence, we lie because we love.

When I think of relationships that I have with family or friends it all comes down to this form of truth: complete honestly blunted with kindness. In other words, I feel like they’ll let me know when I’m screwing up my life, but they’ll do it in a way that salvages some dignity. If trust is the cornerstone of relationships, any relationships—which I think it is—then having a relationship with solely one person would be the absolute test of honesty. What I mean to say is that when there’s only one person that can listen to your indiscretions, your attempts at white lies and half-truths, it would be like telling them to yourself—you know when you lie. This other person would pick up on all your idiosyncratic attempts of “softening the blow” that it would almost become useless to use these tactics, which, over time, might result in a pure unadulterated honesty.

The father and the son’s relationship then becomes the ultimate test study on the issue of trust—they’re the control group. That’s why this book, believe it or not, is a true coming-of-age story, as the boy discovers that his dad isn’t superman and actually lies to him. I think this happens to everyone at some critical point in their life; a hinging moment when you realize that your parents might not know everything. There’s one point in the story when the dad—while trying to calm his son down about a certain ethical dilemma of whether or not they should help someone out—tells him that it’s not easy being the dad because he has to worry about everything. But the son, who’s already seen lapses of trust with his father, says that he’s actually the one who has to worry about everything, not his father. The conversation becomes a revelatory moment as the son, for the first time, begins to openly defy his dad’s logic that had already lost its luster due to the heartfelt “white-lies” that the son was slowly able to see through.

The father was only trying to protect him from his perceived cold reality that if they help other people by sharing their food, they were going to die. Where is the line between moral obligation and survival instinct drawn? Sometimes children are able to bring to light basic truths; the son was able to deconstruct the father’s red herring and the so-called complexity of the situation by reminding his dad that they were the good guys. By trying to extend your life while others die around you flies in the face of the “good guy” logic and the son knew this. Think about it though: At what point do you say to yourself that in order for me to survive I have to let others die? The crack in his father’s own doctrine becomes evident and the son then begins to question whether or not his father really is one of the good guys. To say any more on this part of the book I feel like I’d be cheating anyone who wants to read it. (Hopefully, I didn’t do that already.)

I once read this book about understanding Hopi Native Americans—I really don’t remember much about the book except for this concept of understanding other cultures. This can only be achieved by leaving your own cultural room or sanctuary and entering into another one by hanging your judgments, preconceived notions, and personal beliefs at the door. I think that’s why this book succeeds because it took me out of my own personal concept of morality, life, death, survival, and hope; and placed those tested beliefs in another paradigm. Thus if you read this book try and put yourself into the shoes of the father, son, or both and ask yourself whether you’d be one of the good guys.

B R E T T R A T N E R ' S N O T E S
F O R H I S F I L M V E R S I O N
O F T H E R O A D B Y
C O R M A C M c C A R T H Y .

BY WENDY MOLYNEUX

- - - -

Possibilities to play the father/son duo:

• Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. If so, have them ride around on ATVs instead of walking. Walking is boring.
• Will Smith and Jaden Smith. Loved them together in Pursuit of Happyness. Maybe talk to Will about doing a hot soundtrack. Would Will's wife play movie wife? Remember to ask. Also, in book, wife is dead. Rewrite this. Have her be alive.
• Father needs "buddy." See if Jackie Chan is available. If not, maybe Andy Dick?
• If we switch the father/son to mother/daughter, get Angelina and Shiloh. Keep ATVs.

In book, we don't find out how the world ended. Must show in movie version. Possible scenarios:

• Aliens
• Robots
• Alien robots
• Girls in bikinis accidentally blow up nuclear power station by hitting self-destruct button with their big, round butts

If we go with robots as destroyers of Earth, robots should still be chasing the people. Also, maybe change name from The Road to The Robots.

If we decide to rewrite as comedy, see if Sandler is available for May production start.

Can this movie make $100 million? No. It can make $200 million.

Switch shopping cart to Hummer or Bentley. (Which is more apocalyptic? Look on Internet.)

When the father and son discover the boat, boat should be loaded with machine guns and hand grenades. Also, smart sharks.

In book, they say "carrying the fire" and it's some kind of abstract thing about carrying the spirit of humanity around in a time of hopelessness. Afraid people will not get. What if "fire" is a secret weapon that will restore atmosphere and kill the robots? Or it turns out at the end that boy can shoot fire out of eyes and mouth? He's like a messiah guy, but a fire-shooting-eyes messiah guy.

Will need good sound bites for trailer. Maybe at one point son is sad about something stupid and father says, "It's not the end of the world!" Then son gives him ironic look. Love it.

Maybe they are not father and son, but one is a cop and the other is a martial-arts expert?

Everything takes place in Miami?

Is Dylan Still Pop?

Hello. My name is Duane. I have been called Dwight by those around with Freudian tongues. Let's begin.

First – check this out. Now, Bob Dylan has had an immeasurable effect on the pop/hip/jiving world around us. I would even suggest, using a phrase from my buddy JT: Bob Dylan, the singer and song writer of the 20th Century, has done more, save Chuck Berry only, for the pop of men in this world than any other man that ever lived in it.

However, the question is if he is still relevant – and not relevant in a still a musical genius sort of way, but in a – I’m cool cus’ I say I am not because 60-year olds love me, so FICA you – sort of way?

'The Office' Summer Vacation

Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

Hairy, Hair, and No Hair

No, I didn’t wait in line to buy me a copy of HP7. (I let my little sister do that.) In fact, I haven’t even looked at the book yet. But if you’re wondering if The Deathly Hallows is worth the twenty bones it costs, you might want to check out these reviews. One critic calls it ‘stunningly beautiful.’

I did go see Hairspray this weekend, however, and as far as musicals are concerned; it’s not that bad. I would even go so far to say that I enjoyed it. (Of course, I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is more Christopher Walken!) Apparently, this musical has struck a chord (cringe) with the American public as it had the ‘the biggest opening on record for a musical.’

Have you ever wondered what the best fake bands were? Well, I know you, have so check out this site. My personal favorite is Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution from Arrested Development!

Applying String Theory to Album Reviews

While Jed continues to post Kevin Costner's America in hopes of winning an Ansel Adams Award, I turn your attention for a brief moment to the world of quantum mechanics, string theory, and the world of relativity.

I recently tried to dive into a book by Brain Greene (not the dude from 90210) about the universe. People, my mind was blown in the acknowledgements. I simply wasn't ready for that.

So, I took a flying dive into Stephen Hawking's illustrated A Briefer History of Time. While I was hoping for an entirely illustrated, watered down explanation of gravity, there were some pictures of Stephen Hawking using the powers of his mind to attract Marilyn Monroe (seriously), because Stephen Hawking could totally use his mind to control you. He's that smart, people.

In the book, there is some discussion of Newton's Principia Mathematica. Newton was so awesome that he invented calculus to explain the universe, which field of math eventually led to the downfall of so many high school seniors across the land. Thanks, Isaac, for ruining my grades.

However, by the power of Stehpen Hawking's awesome mind, I am now as much as 3% smarter. Apparently, just by reading the book, Mr. Hawking replicated his DNA into my
cerebrum.

What does this have to do with Album reviews, as the title of the post says?

I have long despised the pomposity of album reviews. They sicken me. Whenever I read one, it's like the author is an English literature graduate student that mixed the album review with their thesis on the transcendentalist civil disobedience of the newest Van Halen album. Actually, a "serious" music reviewer, such as anyone that writes for that Idolator website would never listen to Van Halen. Van Halen is to awesome for that. What sickens me more about album reviews is a) the reviewer is trying sooooooo hard to sound smart, which usually turns into underhanded insults about how their music is better than yours and b) if the music they reviewed was that good, why aren't more people listening?

Music is very subjective. You, by now, are aware that I think Van Halen is awesome. While this is the case for me, you might be looking at your thesaurus right now, looking up how many ways you can say "suck" to describe how you feel about Van Halen.

Thus, I have devised a new equation which reduces album reviews to relativity within the gravity of a bands influence.

Here's how the equation works. An album reviewer takes the number of songs listened through divided by the number of total songs to arrive at the percentile score of the album. Essentially, you're doing the same thing your high school calculus teacher would do when grading your test -- number correct/number possible= percent score. So, you're saying number of good songs on one album out of the entire album listing. This is your rating relative to you.

Here's an example: The Nine Inch Nails album Broken has 99 tracks. I dislike all 99 tracks, so the album gets a Grand Canyon size zero percent. Not only that, the album gets negative points for 99 tracks, which gives my stereo a nervous breakdown counting through. So, I rate Broken as negative percent, which, in Newton's world, is not possible.

So, to honor Mr. Newton and the mind prowess of Hawking, I present the caveat of the equation -- a band's rating would only be applied within the "gravitational pull" of that bands universe. I don't subscribe to the gravitational pull of the NIN universe, therefore my score doesn't count, as I don't like NIN.

When rating an album, the question "Do I like this band?" must be asked. If no, simply skip ahead from your rating, as you aren't in the "gravity" of that band. Thus, a "yes, I like this band"allows you to score, a "no, hearing this band is like being being stuck in hell" gets you a move along please.

Now, Part Two of the equation -- calculating the "gravity" of a band. How to calculate gravity:

Total of all percentile scores divided by number total number of "yes" raters. Essentially, like your calculus teacher, you're going to find the "average" score. So, the higher the collective or "average" score, the higher the pull.

Now, the final part -- as Newton so aptly calculated, the bigger the mass of the object, the bigger the pull of the object. Thus, we need to calculate the "mass"of an object. Certainly, one must realize that in the music universe, there are those that have a cosmic pull and luminosity whatever it is in the center of the Milky Way that everything else seems to revolve around, and there are those that slowly float around somewhere around the rim of the universe, burning so low and so dull that no one notices but obnoxious album reviewers.

To calculate the mass of a band, we find the average of the averages for a band-- meaning that you total the number of collective scores for one band, then divide by the number of albums. For example, Public Enemy has fourteen albums. I add up the scores from each of the albums, then divide by fourteen. Since Public Enemy is mind-blowingly, in yo' face awesome, Public Enemy's "mass" is 100. So, Public enemy is a class-O, superhot and "o"-so luminous star.

Real Men Wear 'Guyliner'

Are you a real man? Do you wear eyeliner? I hadn't noticed when it first came out, but one of the taglines for Pirates of the Caribbean has been "Real men wear eyeliner." The phrase is obviously trying to capitalize on the suddenly new and bizarre trend of male eyeliner, which Jack Sparrow dons in all of the Pirate flicks. Even Keith Richards, who plays Sparrow's father, went home with six extra little sticks of the dark paste because he liked it so much.

This fad isn't exclusive to the swashbuckling franchise, Tobey Maguire could be found wearing it in the latest installment of Spider-Man 3. Also, bands such as My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco, Green Day, 30 Second to Mars, Fall Out Boy, and The Killers all darken their eyes. This male eyeliner was recently dubbed guyliner to help add to its chic in the hopes of catering to a younger male, and assuredly more emo, demographic. Collen Mastony noted: "Not since Alice Cooper got creative with kohl and David Bowie had fun with eye shadow during the colorful days of glam rock, have so many rock stars and leading men become enamored with the wonders of the cosmetics aisle."

Is there even a market for this stuff? Actually, $4.8 million was spent on male grooming products in the U.S. last year, which is up 7 percent from the previous year and 42 percent since 2001. Still it's hard to imagine male cosmetics really taking hold in Middle America, but even the unanimously-voted manliest of men, Bruce Willis, has allegedly admitted to wearing a little makeup in his own movies. When his manliness was recently questioned by FoxNews, Bruce shot back, "Look, real men should be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their cosmetics!" In related news, 20^th Century Fox is now considering this supposedly oft-repeated quote by Willis as their tagline for the next Die Hard movie: Live Free or Dye It.

Rosebud Rules

The American Film Institute (AFI) voted again on the 100 best movies of all time—Orson Welles’ faux interpretation of media tycoon William Randolph Hearst, Citizen Kane, remained on top. While I appreciate these types of lists I do wonder what goes into making them, especially when considering that twenty-three films got bumped from the original 1998 list (e.g. My Fair Lady, From Here to Eternity, Fantasia, etc.) Are these films not good enough anymore for their stuffy top 100 or are Titanic and The Sixth Sense (new editions) really that much better? Another thing that bugs me about the list is that it skews toward older movies. It’s not like I don’t like watching older movies—some of my favorite movies don’t even have sound (see anything with Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton)--it’s just that I’d like a list that includes up-and-coming filmmakers’ joints. Batman Begins anyone? For these reasons I kind of like IMDB’s top 250 list because it includes foreign films, it’s continually updated, and it’s voted in by fans rather than elitist movie critics. But anyway, here’s the AFI list. I’ve seen fifty-seven of them. How many have you seen? Do you agree with the list? Would your list include recent blockbusters Norbit, Wildhogs, and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer?

For some more fun here’s IMDB’s bottom 100.

1. “Citizen Kane,” 1941.

2. “The Godfather,” 1972.

3. “Casablanca,” 1942.

4. “Raging Bull,” 1980.

5. “Singin’ in the Rain,” 1952.

6. “Gone With the Wind,” 1939.

7. “Lawrence of Arabia,” 1962.

8. “Schindler’s List,” 1993.

9. “Vertigo,” 1958.

10. “The Wizard of Oz,” 1939.

11. “City Lights,” 1931.

12. “The Searchers,” 1956.

13. “Star Wars,” 1977.

14. “Psycho,” 1960.

15. “2001: A Space Odyssey,” 1968.

16. “Sunset Blvd.”, 1950.

17. “The Graduate,” 1967.

18. “The General,” 1927.

19. “On the Waterfront,” 1954.

20. “It’s a Wonderful Life,” 1946.

21. “Chinatown,” 1974.

22. “Some Like It Hot,” 1959.

23. “The Grapes of Wrath,” 1940.

24. “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,” 1982.

25. “To Kill a Mockingbird,” 1962.

26. “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” 1939.

27. “High Noon,” 1952.

28. “All About Eve,” 1950.

29. “Double Indemnity,” 1944.

30. “Apocalypse Now,” 1979.

31. “The Maltese Falcon,” 1941.

32. “The Godfather Part II,” 1974.

33. “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” 1975.

34. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” 1937.

35. “Annie Hall,” 1977.

36. “The Bridge on the River Kwai,” 1957.

37. “The Best Years of Our Lives,” 1946.

38. “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” 1948.

39. “Dr. Strangelove,” 1964.

40. “The Sound of Music,” 1965.

41. “King Kong,” 1933.

42. “Bonnie and Clyde,” 1967.

43. “Midnight Cowboy,” 1969.

44. “The Philadelphia Story,” 1940.

45. “Shane,” 1953.

46. “It Happened One Night,” 1934.

47. “A Streetcar Named Desire,” 1951.

48. “Rear Window,” 1954.

49. “Intolerance,” 1916.

50. “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring,” 2001.

51. “West Side Story,” 1961.

52. “Taxi Driver,” 1976.

53. “The Deer Hunter,” 1978.

54. “M-A-S-H,” 1970.

55. “North by Northwest,” 1959.

56. “Jaws,” 1975.

57. “Rocky,” 1976.

58. “The Gold Rush,” 1925.

59. “Nashville,” 1975.

60. “Duck Soup,” 1933.

61. “Sullivan’s Travels,” 1941.

62. “American Graffiti,” 1973.

63. “Cabaret,” 1972.

64. “Network,” 1976.

65. “The African Queen,” 1951.

66. “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” 1981.

67. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”, 1966.

68. “Unforgiven,” 1992.

69. “Tootsie,” 1982.

70. “A Clockwork Orange,” 1971.

71. “Saving Private Ryan,” 1998.

72. “The Shawshank Redemption,” 1994.

73. “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” 1969.

74. “The Silence of the Lambs,” 1991.

75. “In the Heat of the Night,” 1967.

76. “Forrest Gump,” 1994.

77. “All the President’s Men,” 1976.

78. “Modern Times,” 1936.

79. “The Wild Bunch,” 1969.

80. “The Apartment, 1960.

81. “Spartacus,” 1960.

82. “Sunrise,” 1927.

83. “Titanic,” 1997.

84. “Easy Rider,” 1969.

85. “A Night at the Opera,” 1935.

86. “Platoon,” 1986.

87. “12 Angry Men,” 1957.

88. “Bringing Up Baby,” 1938.

89. “The Sixth Sense,” 1999.

90. “Swing Time,” 1936.

91. “Sophie’s Choice,” 1982.

92. “Goodfellas,” 1990.

93. “The French Connection,” 1971.

94. “Pulp Fiction,” 1994.

95. “The Last Picture Show,” 1971.

96. “Do the Right Thing,” 1989.

97. “Blade Runner,” 1982.

98. “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942.

99. “Toy Story,” 1995.

100. “Ben-Hur,” 1959.